a bit of contrast

i have reduced my sleep intake several nights running just-because-i-have-to-journalize. i have today made the discovery that it is at this time beyond my powers to do so AND be in-line with my inner being. that's not rocket science, i realize, but sometimes you have to smack yourself in the face.

now that's not to say there wasn't anything amazing that happened today. it's just that my idea of amazing may be divergent from my readers'.

i found that normally, when it feels like two different people are boring holes down through the middle of your eyes while you are merely trying to stare at your unfortunately bright monitor to work on the code you don't understand that much because you're tired, i am not all that happy. i mean, i have been happier. in fact, i can get downright obstreperous.

which is to say, the old me could.

new me, me-who-is-discovering-law-of-attaction, knows that
a) shouting things at the monitor attracts more of the bad feelings;
b) it doesn't actually make the code work; and
c) it is much nicer to just close my eyes. i don't have to be 100% on, 100% of the time. it's nice to, but not life-threatening.

and so, for me, it was amazing that i very calmly went about continuing to solve my code. and when i started to again have the 'oh it turns out i'm not actually as clever as i had hoped' thoughts, i immediately inserted the 'now wait a minute. you can do this.' thoughts.

and so, later, when the code was solved with a minimum of restructuring, i felt very very good indeed. someone was still boring holes in my eyes with some sort of tool. i'm not a man, so i don't know or care what the tool would be called, but something was working my eyes, i'm sure of it. but apart from the eye pain, i felt great. i AM smart enough to do that job. and i will keep enjoying the job until such time as i attract that way to stay home with my kids and still have a great income. i'm sure it's coming.

however, it isn't alllllll roses.

i got home. and even though i did my daily gratitude journal, i was sleep-short-changed. so there were comments, and there was disappreciation. yes, i'm sorry, i know you all won't think it's a word, but i was disappreciated.

then there was some less than stellar behaviour from me. some ignoring, some shutting-some-cupboards-a-little-loudly.

but then, after the last kid had been sent up to bed and cuddled, i had a bath. who knew that a bath could bring about such well-being! never, in the history of baths, has there been such a relaxing bath that didn't result in death. i emerged from that bath wholly rejuvenated! the eye pain went away. the tiredness went away. i had new ideas for stories!

and on the way upstairs, i even blessed my husband!

in my head.

so even though i had a substandard day, it was still great in that i managed to pull out a victory at work, and a return to form in the evening. this is my new bad! it's good!

and now, i think i shall begin the trend reversal, and start attracting back a good night's sleep.